Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Joke of the day 20/01
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.
Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.
Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response
"Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying,
"No, screw him - I'm watching the match."
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.
Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.
Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response
"Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying,
"No, screw him - I'm watching the match."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Joke of the day 13/12
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Joke of the day 08/12
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,
The little girl replied, “,Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Joke of the day 27/11
A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle–Whooee da Whooee!–but doesn’t know what it is.
Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good teakettle?” The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Joke of the day 20/11
A female professor at the University reminds students that the next day during the final exams, excuses of absence will not be tolerated.
The only exception is a serious injury, serious illness or sudden death of a close relative. On the first row of the auditorium Tom responds, bit of a playboy among the students:
The only exception is a serious injury, serious illness or sudden death of a close relative. On the first row of the auditorium Tom responds, bit of a playboy among the students:
"And in cases of fatigue, ma'am? Such as an exhaustive night full of sex?
Hilarity all around. When silence finally has returned, the female professor smiles to the student, shakes her head and gently tells him:
"Then you can write with your other hand!"
Monday, November 07, 2011
Joke of the day 07/11
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Joke of the day 01/11
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Monday, October 24, 2011
Joke of the day 24/10
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman and starts looking at his watch. The woman notices this and asks him if his date is late. "No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it."
"What does it do?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."
"Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am!"
"Darn thing must be an hour fast."
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