Joke of the day 27/11

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle–Whooee da Whooee!–but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good teakettle?” The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

Joke of the day 20/11

A female professor at the University reminds students that the next day during the final exams, excuses of absence will not be tolerated.
The only exception is a serious injury, serious illness or sudden death of a close relative. On the first row of the auditorium Tom responds, bit of a playboy among the students:

"And in cases of fatigue, ma'am? Such as an exhaustive night full of sex?

Hilarity all around. When silence finally has returned, the female professor smiles to the student, shakes her head and gently tells him:

"Then you can write with your other hand!"

Joke of the day 07/11

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.

Joke of the day 01/11

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'