Joke of the day 31/05

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." 


A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Joke of the day 30/05

A manager had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

Joke of the day 29/05

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."


The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.


"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.


Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

Joke of the day 28/05

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. 


"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." 


"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" 


The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." 


"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" 


The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Joke of the day 27/05

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.


The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. 


The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Joke of the day 26/05

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a pint and a pubmeal.
He finishes his meal, gets up, shoots the waiter, and then walks out without paying.
The barman runs after him, shouting "Hey! What was that all about!"
"Look it up," the panda replies, casually strolling off.

The barman takes out his Encyclopedia Brittannica, looks it up, and, sure enough, it indeed says:
"Panda - eats shoots and leaves".

Joke of the day 25/05

A man walks into a bar.
He says to the barman "How tall is a penguin?"
The barman says about three feet.
The man says "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"
The barman says maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that.
The man says "Oh shit, in that case I just drove over a nun."

Joke of the day 24/05

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, told stories like spilled milk and pennies saved, etc.
But then the teacher asked Janie, "Do you have a story to share?' 

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? ' 


"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Joke of the day 23/05

Paddy rushes in to the pub, shouting.... 'Mick - Mick someone has just stolen your car.''
'Jeeeezus' says Mick. 'Did you see who it was?'
'No' says Paddy, 'But don't worry - I got the registration number.'

Joke of the day 22/05

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.

“Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous, can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

Joke of the day 21/05

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred'd little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Joke of the day 20/05

“I think I have a problem, Doc,” says a patient. “One of my balls has turned blue.”

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient. “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”

“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

“Hey, you want to die?” asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

“You want to die?” asks the doctor.

“But…how do I pee?”

“We’ll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor’s office again.

He is very angry.

“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what the hell is happening??”

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Could it be the jeans?”

Joke of the day 19/05

A man finds an old lamp, rubs it. Out pops two blonde genies.

They tell him he can have three wishes. He closes his eyes, makes his wishes, and... pooff!!

He finds himself in a hotel room surrounded by beautiful naked women, all crazy for him.
He looks down and the floor of the hotel room is carpeted with hundred dollar fills, feet deep.

...Just then there is a knock on the hotel door.
The man opens the door, to find two masked Klu Klux Klan members waiting for him.
They grab him, beat him up and string up to a tree.

As he was gasping his last breaths, the man saw the two Klu Klux Klan members walking away.
They took off their masks. It was the two blonde genies!
And the one said to the other "You know, his first two wishes I could still understand."
"...But I really don't understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man."

Joke of the day 18/05

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Joke of the day 17/05

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' 

The two sat sipping in silence. 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Joke of the day 16/05

A wife asked her husband:
“What do you like most in me – my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
“I like your sense of humor.”

Joke of the day 15/05

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Joke of the day 14/05

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

Joke of the day 13/05

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

Joke of the day 12/05

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress.How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Joke of the day 11/05

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Joke of the day 10/05

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. 'The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Joke of the day 09/05

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left, recollecting his good old young days!

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the motorway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!", thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh, Vrooooooom was the only sound he could hear.

Suddenly, he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too mature for all this nonsense!" So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The police officer walked up at the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, I know its fun to drive, but not speed. My shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me one good reason for speeding that fast and if I've never heard it before, I'll let you go free!"

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back!!!!!"

Smilingly, the policeman said, "Have a good day Sir, you are lucky!"

Joke of the day 08/05

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Joke of the day 07/05

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Joke of the day 06/05

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They
were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Joke of the day 05/05

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke of the day 04/05

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00..
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
'New house, new madam.' The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended,
but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the
parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'

Joke of the day 03/05

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 
'Love dress? But you're naked!' 
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' 


The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. 
'What are you doing?' he asked. 
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.


'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'