Joke of the day 24/10

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman and starts looking at his watch. The woman notices this and asks him if his date is late. "No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."

"Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am!"

"Darn thing must be an hour fast."

Joke of the day 20/10

A South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Canadian walk into a bar.

The bouncer says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."

Joke of the day 16/10

Paddy rushes in to the pub, shouting.... 'Mick - Mick someone has just stolen your car.'''Jeeeezus' says Mick. 'Did you see who it was?'

'No' says Paddy, 'But don't worry - I got the registration number.'

Joke of the day 13/10

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big"
"I mean really big"!
"I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Joke of the day 09/10

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
She is asked the basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 .
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only
measures 5' 4'. She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'