Joke of da day 31/05

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

Joke of da day 30/05

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Joke of da day 29/05

There once was this man who worked in a pickle factory, who had this very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and he couldn't stand it, he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spends a few months with the shrink, and the doc finally gives up and tells the man that his desire is so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, that the only way to get over it was to do it. The man gladly agrees and says he will do it the next day at work....

The next day he comes home from work about 11am. His wife is very worried and asks what happened. He explains to her for the first time this long time desire he has had to put his dick in the pickle slicer. And then explains that he couldn't take it anymore and today he did it. She gasps and runs over to him, yanks down his pants and briefs, only to see his member perfectly normal and intact. She looks back up and says I don't understand.... what happened to the pickle slicer?

"I think she got fired too...."

Joke of da day 27/05

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said : "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid, please stand up ?"

After a minute of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron ?" the professor asked.

The kid replied : "No, sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself !"

Joke of da day 26/05

An english professor wrote these words on the whiteboard : "A woman without her man is nothing"

The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the sentence correctly.

All the men wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing".
All the women wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing".

Joke of da day 25/05

It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers The professor has arranged a short demonstration for the class. He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water. Then he took a secon d worm and dropped it in a glass of alcohol.

The worm immediately died.

The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of the demonstration was.

A boy raised his hand and said : "You're showing us that if we drink alcohol , we won't have worms."

Joke of da day 24/05

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Joke of da day 23/05

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Joke of da day 22/05

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub "

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Joke of da day 21/05

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating atour house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

Joke of da day 20/05

Three priests were holding a meeting. One of the items on the agenda was about the distribution of money collected during services and how that related to their pay.


The first priest said "I split the money into two piles on the basis of one for me and and one for God's work".


The second priest said "I feel a bit guilty to admit this, but in our church the salary is very low, so I split the money, two for me and and one for God's work".


The third priest assumed an expression of disgust and said "I don't know how you both live with yourselves. I put all the money in a sack. I throw it up into the air and shout 'God take what you want'.





I only take what is left when the sack comes down again".

Joke of da day 18/05

An elderly married couple were being visited by some friends, who were also an elderly married couple. After lunch they decided to go for a walk.


The two men walked side by side, a few paces ahead of the two women, who were deeply engrossed in conversation about the effectiveness of anti ageing creams.


One of the old men said to his friend, "You know last night we went to one of the best restaurants I've ever visited, the food and service were fantastic. You should both go there some time, it is a very romantic place to take your wife to dinner".


The second old man replied "That sounds great, where is it? What is it called?"


The first old man thought for a moment and then admitted "You know, having married late and having been married to the same woman for over fifty years, I've reached an age where my memory is not what it used to be. You'll have to help me here. What is the name of that red flower with a thorny stem, that men give to their loved ones on Valentines day?"


The second old man replied "I guess you must mean a rose?"


The first old man nodded and said "Yes that's it, a rose".




He then turned his head and called to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?".

Joke of da day 17/05

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."



"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."



"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"



"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"



.After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"



"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.



"Bathtub, living room floor?... No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"



"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."



"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.



"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."



"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.



"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat."



And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."



"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.



"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"



"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.



"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."



Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"



"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away."



"Tripod?"



"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted

Joke of da day 15/05

Joke of da day 13/05

First video file as joke of da day. Enjoy ^^

Joke of da day 02/05

There’s this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.


Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.


One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad, says “OK, for you” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.


When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.


For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled.


After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I’m awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astonished. He can’t understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Joke of da day 01/05

One day a pair of whales, Lucy and Fred, were swimming along when they came across their friend Ned, who looked terribly sad. They asked him what was wrong.


Ned said, “You see that boat up there? It killed my father.”


Fred said, “That’s terrible. But I know what we can do. We’ll take deep breaths, swim under the boat, then exhale and upset the boat. And then we’ll eat the sailors.”


Ned thought this was a great idea, but Lucy said, “Fred, Fred, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times. I don’t mind doing blowjobs, but there’s no way I’m swallowing any seaman.”