A family in Singapore were puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in Singapore.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 packets of Kor-Lay-Sim, 10 packets of American chocolates and packets of Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.
On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike shoes(size 10)for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of Reeboks for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ahma is wearing 6 Polo T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.
The 2 new Levis that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Also,
the box of Estee Lauder cosmetic under Ahma's head is for you. Please take them.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews.
Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know, since our Ah Pa is also not keeping well nowadays I can send all required things when our Ah Pa............
Joke [johk] -noun
1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Joke of da day!~!
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
'Hello?'
'Honey, It's me.'
'Sugar!'
'Are you at the club?'
'Yes.'
'Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'
'What's the price?'
'Only $1,500.00'
'Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much...'
'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...'
'What price did he quote you?'
'Only $60,000...'
'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
'Great!, before we hang up, something else...'
'What?'
'It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...'
'How much are they asking?'
'Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...'
'Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?'
'OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'
'Bye... I do too...'
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: 'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
'Hello?'
'Honey, It's me.'
'Sugar!'
'Are you at the club?'
'Yes.'
'Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'
'What's the price?'
'Only $1,500.00'
'Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much...'
'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...'
'What price did he quote you?'
'Only $60,000...'
'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
'Great!, before we hang up, something else...'
'What?'
'It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...'
'How much are they asking?'
'Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...'
'Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?'
'OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'
'Bye... I do too...'
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: 'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
a joke a day... keeps the doctor away!
In a New York park, a savage dog attacked a young boy. A passer-by happened to see that and came to the rescue. Having tackled the dog, he strangled it
to death. A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took
snap shots for a front-page picture in the next day's paper. Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published in tomorrow's paper under the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy".
"I'm not from New York", replied our brave hero. "Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues boy from savage dog".
"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero.
On being asked about who he really is? Our hero replied, "I'm a Pakistani".
Well the next day the headline on the front page of The NewYork Times said: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to Al-Qaeda"
to death. A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took
snap shots for a front-page picture in the next day's paper. Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published in tomorrow's paper under the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy".
"I'm not from New York", replied our brave hero. "Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues boy from savage dog".
"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero.
On being asked about who he really is? Our hero replied, "I'm a Pakistani".
Well the next day the headline on the front page of The NewYork Times said: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to Al-Qaeda"
Saturday, June 26, 2004
The moral of the story is?
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Friday, June 25, 2004
Jokes of the day!~!
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, p***y and b*tch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, p***y is a cat like our little Mittens, and b*tch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...p***y and b*tch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is p***y."
"OK dad, so what's a b*tch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, p***y and b*tch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, p***y is a cat like our little Mittens, and b*tch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...p***y and b*tch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is p***y."
"OK dad, so what's a b*tch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
_________________________________________________________________________________________
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."