Joke of da day 30/04

All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen’s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.


The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “My Queen,” he entreated her, “since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”


The Queen appreciated the peasant’s words, but was puzzled. “My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!”


The peasant smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”


The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, “Behold!” And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.
Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, “the position is yours.”


Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.


Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.


Having heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant’s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor man! Have you any idea who he is?”


The other replied: “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

Joke of da day 29/04

Joke of da day 28/04

Two mathematicians are in a local diner, arguing. The first mathematician is complaining that the average citizen knows *nothing* about math, people are idiots who don’t even know how to balance their checkbooks these days, and the world is generally going to hell in a handbasket. The second mathematician is objecting, telling his friend that the situation isn’t that bad, and warning him not to underestimate the average citizen’s mathematical knowledge.


After much argument, the first mathematician staggers off to the restroom. The second mathematician calls the tired-looking waitress over.


“Yeah?” Asked the waitress


He hands her $20. “I’d like to play a little joke on my friend when he gets back. I’m going to ask you a question. When you answer, I want you to answer, ‘X squared.’ Can you do that for me?”
“Sure, whatever.”


After a few minutes, the first mathematician returns and sits down. The second mathematician says, “Look, I’ll *show* you that the average citizen knows more about math than you think they do.” He waves the waitress over.


“Yeah, what can do for you?”


“I just have a simple question for you, ma’am. Can you tell me what the answer to the integral of 2x dx is?”


The waitress scrunches up her face. “Sure, thats.. X squared.”


The second mathematician leans back in his chair, looks at his friend, and smiles smugly.


Then the waitress calls over her shoulder, “Plus a constant.”

Joke of da day 27/04

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"

"Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Joke of da day 26/04

A Man is dining in a fancy Restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.



Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out,grabs it out of the air,and hands it back.



"Oh my,I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.



"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together,and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.



They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.



Next morning,she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!



"You know," he said,"you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"



"No,she replies....."



"You just happened to catch my eye."

Joke of da day 25/04

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!", cried the bunny with obvious delight. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".

Joke of da day 24/04

A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked.

Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail."

The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed."

Joke of da day 23/04

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A tiny little voice came out of the box:........... "

I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Joke of da day 22/04

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.

Joke of da day 21/04

A male lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don‘t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this, if you don‘t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don‘t know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde‘s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What‘s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn‘t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it‘s the blonde‘s turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Joke of da day 20/04

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Joke of da day 19/04

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

'The funeral director,' said his wife.

Joke of da day 18/04

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and hethought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approachher, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.


The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband couldperform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss."Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away fromher and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was inthe den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see whathappens."


In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.


So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from hiswife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from hiswife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what'sfor dinner?" Again, there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


And his wife replied, "Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Joke of da day 17/04

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50!"

Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

Joke of da day 16/04

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the accoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Joke of da day 15/04

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated, he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you have let me have sex with you."

The girl said "NO".

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she'd have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then bend down and pick it up very fast. He won't even get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened...

She said, "The bastard used coins!"

Moral: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Joke of da day 14/04

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.


Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.


Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.


A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Joke of da day 13/04

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"


Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.


Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Joke of da day 12/04

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take
you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that?
I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Joke of da day 11/04

Once upon a time, a man asked his girl, “Will you marry me?”

She said, “No.”

And they lived happily ever after.

Joke of da day 10/04

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

Joke of da day 08/04

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in less than 5 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”


The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new weighing machine.


Rick has been missing since Friday.



Please pray for him