A joke a Day.. Keeps da Mock exam away!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A joke a day, keeps the teachers away

One day, an Ang Moh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok"). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her. The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English. The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."

A joke a day, keeps the problems away.

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. 'Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,' Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. 'But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece,' says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. 'You didn't eat enough, ' says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Green,' he says, 'You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Morris. 'You're smarter already.'

A joke a day, keeps the doctor away..

Love Notes
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says 'I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?''
'But why?' asks the man.
'I'm a divorce lawyer,' the man replies.

Children are jux.. amazing!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

girls shd understand....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond > earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. Started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile… You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...