A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Laughs Out Loud!
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Saturday, July 17, 2004
English and Its Weirdness
Lets face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Joke - Wise Advice
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few
hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played
very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was
golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit
the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste
much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young
man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball
and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the
shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd
hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and
it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course,
when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played
very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was
golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit
the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste
much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young
man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball
and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the
shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd
hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and
it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course,
when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
wa.. sibei lame jokes.. funny tho
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that? That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
One day an evil witch took over the forest, ''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!''
The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except fot a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his head. Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head. Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the tortoise started laughing...
''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.
"The monkey's joke was very funny..." was the reply.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.
Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr Caterpillar's amazement!
However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr Caterpillar.
"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee (BP)."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that? That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
One day an evil witch took over the forest, ''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!''
The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except fot a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his head. Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head. Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the tortoise started laughing...
''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.
"The monkey's joke was very funny..." was the reply.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.
Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr Caterpillar's amazement!
However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr Caterpillar.
"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee (BP)."
_________________________________________________________________________________________
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Laugh Out Loud!~!
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
---------------------------------------
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer
makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
---------------------------------------
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer
makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Monday, July 05, 2004
jokes jokes!
(1) He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it
said, "concentrate".
(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his
mind.
(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
(5) He tries to drown a fish.
(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
(7) He trips over a cordless phone.
(8) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
(9) At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", he puts
"Sagittarius".
(10) He takes 2 hours to watch "60 minutes".
(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.
(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
left", and he turned around and went home.
(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he
is an idiot.
said, "concentrate".
(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his
mind.
(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
(5) He tries to drown a fish.
(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
(7) He trips over a cordless phone.
(8) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
(9) At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", he puts
"Sagittarius".
(10) He takes 2 hours to watch "60 minutes".
(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.
(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
left", and he turned around and went home.
(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he
is an idiot.
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